Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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