i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
