paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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