Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
