I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
