My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
