Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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