Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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