I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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