omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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