proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
