you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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