i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
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