I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
