i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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