arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
