I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
