what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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