so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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