what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize