I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
