he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
