I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
