Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
