What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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