i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm