Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
