My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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