and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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