Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
