Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
