I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
