dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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