The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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