I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
