i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
