well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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