why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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