Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
