I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
