he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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