So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
