This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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