mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
