So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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