don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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