she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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