I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
