I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
