The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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