I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
