allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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