"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
