somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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