I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
