woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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