Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
