3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
