my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
